Pro-choice regrets
“To this day I still don’t know why I did it (abortion). I woke up crying and knew I had done the wrong thing and sunk into a depression almost straight away."
“I had never suffered from any mental illness before and I had never been depressed and, really, I am the last person who you would expect to react like this. But I was haunted by my abortion and it robbed me of all my confidence."
Sue Hulbert
The Times (UK) , 'I knew my choice was wrong and sank into depression': 10/27/2006
Anonymous: "I've had an abortion. And I think women's rights are important. But, to state the obvious, abortion is a terrible thing to go experience. It isn't cool. It's a private grief. It isn't something to broadcast on a T-Shirt. It isn't a cheesy slogan. Like "I had a great time at the abortion clinic today" or "Guess where I where I went over spring break?" Yes, standing up for women's rights is important. But trivializing, or diminishing, an agonizing life changing choice is not the way to go about it. I am not proud of the loss that I’ve had; I’m grief stricken. I’ve often found that having a normal human ambivalence about this issue is not O.K. with activists on either side.
That day, when I was in the recovery room, after the abortion, a women who was less sick than me stood up to leave and the nurse said flippantly "oh I wouldn’t want to waste my day,either." As if the woman had just stopped in to pick up her dry-cleaning. The woman turned around for a moment to stare at the nurse. She said, "I hope I never see you again" and slammed the door.
"Say it sister" are the exact words that I thought then, as I leaned over to throw up again."
Salon.com, Letters
Say it sister, I had an abortion: 8/4/2006
Naomi: "Too often women are expected to keep quiet or pretend about their feelings. I had an abortion and for a very long time was made to feel that my feelings were abnormal. I realize now, that my experience was very typical, that my reaction was absolutely normal. It is very rare to hear a woman honestly say, "It was my choice - what I really wanted." Almost without exception, women say, "I had no choice - I didn't really want to but I had to."
Is this the best a pro-choice society can offer? I think it's great that women are finally speaking up and exposing the enormous pressure put on them (by other people and circumstances) to abort against their wishes. I think it is also crucial for women to be warned that post abortion depression is not just a myth promoted by anti-abortionists.
I had been reassured that I would not have emotional problems after the abortion. I heard that the only opposition to abortion was religious; since I was an atheist, I should never have a problem with it. I heard that the posters that pro-lifers showed were not really truthful representations of the fetus - which was just an unformed blob of tissue; so they didn’t bother me. I had not yet read or heard a single story of a woman who regretted having an abortion; so I wasn't worried. But all the reassurances of those who defend abortion could not protect me from reality; the clinic staff couldn't follow me around the rest of my life carefully screening information so I wouldn't learn anything upsetting. They weren't there to warn me not to look at sonograms, not to check out certain books in the library. Eventually, I learned the truth about fetal development from neutral, reliable sources that I couldn't write off as anti-abortion propaganda or religious fanaticism.
The Physical Problems are True: Also, I was having problems getting and remaining pregnant. Several sources not affiliated with the anti-abortion movement informed me that the abortion I had was probably the cause of these problems. When doctors, nurse-midwives and childbirth educators (who were NOT opposed to abortion) were telling me about the many documented ways that abortion could cause problems with future pregnancies, how could I continue to deny it? One pro-choice birthing clinic even told me that having had an abortion made me "high risk" and I would probably have to go to the hospital instead of being allowed to give birth in their birthing center. The three children I did eventually give birth to were all delivered by C-section. Even with lengthy labors and inductions, my cervix absolutely would not dilate at all! Again, several nurse-midwives, doctors, and childbirth educators informed me that sometimes the rapid, forced dilation of abortion during abortion (especially if you've never given birth - you're aborting your first pregnancy - and it's early in the pregnancy) can cause inflexible scar tissue to form on the cervix preventing normal dilation. Also, during my first C-section, the doctor observed considerable scarring on the insides of my uterus. I was told that it was probably from the abortion and was most likely the cause of my many miscarriages. (Four of my five miscarriages occurred very early in the pregnancy and were caused by implantation problems - conception had occurred but there were problems with the placenta being able to attach to the uterine wall.) In spite of years of hoping and planning for natural childbirth and a large family - my choices had been taken away: I could not have natural childbirth and will most likely not be able to have any more children.
Emotional Pain Finally Hit Me: Still, I was pro-choice and wanted (needed) so much to believe that I had been treated respectfully and honestly by the abortion clinic. I didn't blame anyone yet, I wasn't angry yet - just disappointed. When post abortion trauma hit me a full decade after the abortion I was not prepared and absolutely stunned at its force. I was devastated, depressed, suicidal, angry and ashamed for a full six months. I had nightmares, couldn't cope with going out in public, and hated myself and everyone involved with the abortion. Anything I thought I could not have acquired or achieved if I had allowed my child to be born, I wanted to destroy: my marriage, my career, my home, my car; I even had to put my wedding pictures away for a while because I felt like tearing them all up.
Abortion Supporters laughed at me: Trustingly, I turned to pro-choice groups for help with my trauma. Even though I was still pro-choice and an atheist, I was laughed at and argued with. I was told that if I was having any regrets it was because I was not psychologically normal before the abortion! I was told it was just post-abortion hormones (the abortion had taken place ten years earlier!). In tears I called several pro-choice organizations and clinics, honestly seeking help. I was told that there was no such thing as post abortion regrets, I was called a liar, I was told there was no help available for me at all. The only "nice" response I got was a lady who said, "I'm sorry" and then hung up. The last abortion clinic receptionist I talked to got furious and accused me of being an anti-abortionist pretending to have post abortion depression and threatened to report me to the police for "harassing" the clinic! I was devastated. If I had a gun and did not have two small children to care for I know I would have ended it all right then. I didn't know whom to turn to. I had not even told my husband yet what was upsetting me.
I got help: Luckily, I called a pro-life center and they referred me to post-abortion therapy (even though I told them I was pro-choice). I chose non-religious post-abortion therapy and eventually healed. But for a while my husband and some relatives were angry with me for admitting I never wanted the abortion. Cruelly, they subjected me to the very same comments and pressure which caused me to submit to the abortion in the first place ("reassuring" me that it was what I "had" to do) while insisting that it was all my idea and they never pressured me at all! I strongly urge women to speak up and be honest - no matter who it pisses off! No more pretending that it's what we want or all our idea. It's bad enough others (who supposedly "love" us) impose their wishes on us without us also being expected to act like it's what we alone "chose."
Naomi
July 1998 Naomi's Story
Who decides? FWHC website Many Voices, Many Choices
Anonymous: " I would like to remain anonymous please. Thank u. I had been dating my boyfriend for almost 1 year when I found out I was pregnant. Matter of fact, we were 15 days shy of it. I had a feeling I was pregnant but kind of put it off because I had recently started taking birth control pills. I found out I was pregnant May 28, 2000. I had went to Wal-Mart and bought a pregnancy test. Anyway, my boyfriend and I had discussed what we were going to do. He already has one child and was having a hard time supporting him so his first answer was for me to have an abortion.
At first I agreed with that until I had my first doctor's appointment. There was some discrepancy about how far I was due to me recently starting the pill so I had to have a vaginal ultrasound. So ! ! I saw my little baby on the monitor and I also heard the I was in love already. I had mentioned to my boyfriend several times that I didn't care about the financial support as opposed to him just being a daddy to the baby. At times he was ok with that and then others he wasn't.
I had my abortion July 1, 2000. I was nine weeks pregnant. It's been almost 6mos and I can't stand to be around babies, people that are pregnant or even go in department stores if I have to go by where all the baby stuff is. I did this to please my now x-boyfriend.
I am still pro-choice by any means because it's a woman's body and it's her right to choose but whatever u do - do it 4 your own reasons not because you're worried about keeping a man in your life."
Gargo.com website
Mary: "I had an abortion many years ago and there are many days when my arms ache for my baby. You can never, ever take back this kind of a "Choice". I would never recommend anyone to have an abortion. No one ever says that it was the "best decision" of my life, it isn't and it is definitely one that leads to pain and regret. It's very difficult to forgive yourself even if God does."
Mary22
January 2002
Mary’s Story, FWHC website Many Voices, Many Choices
"My story is different, but I have faced 2 unplanned pregnancies, terminating both. I am staunchly pro-choice, but I also know that abortion does have consequences. I agree with a lot of the other postings that mention the depression and recommend counseling. Should you decide to terminate, I advise finding a SAFE place to discuss all the feelings that may come up afterwards. You are entitled to your feelings of grief, loss, relief, or whatever they may be, regardless of your decision."
Berkeley Parents Network
Terminating a Pregnancy
TH: "(After the abortion) Mom pretends like nothing happened and I’m still bleeding. I cry every night and talk to my unborn baby’s soul. I know it sounds morbid, but it makes me feel better. I have to go to a tennis camp next week for four weeks and then I go back for my check-up. I hope I get to talk to a counselor because I feel like someone should hear me. Writing this has lifted a heavy weight off of my heart. Maybe, for those of you who took the time to read this, will understand a little bit more of the emotional pain and the process of an abortion…"
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Elsa: " I'm a 33-year-old female who has had two abortions.I had my first one when I was 18 and in college.I am adopted and I’ve always had the fear of being 'sent back' to where I came from held over my head.I was scared of my adoptive parents growing up! I couldn't go to them with anything, so in my head I had been given up by a woman I didn't know and the woman who raised me threatened to "send me back to where I came from"
I felt powerless and angry so when I found myself pregnant I froze in fear. All I could think was NO. This isn't happening and I dialed the clinic so fast it made my head spin.I had the abortion the next day! I didn't even THINK of myself or the feelings or the fact that I had a BABY growing in me. All I could think was no my parents will throw me out and not pay for college.... Afterward...the guilt and shame and fear were strong... as I am adopted I felt that whoever gave birth to me had given me the gift of life and I wasn't made of the same stuff!
The Pain that Followed: I was in a severe depression...my self-esteem was nonexistent. I found myself in the same situation five years later at age 23...I was in another relationship and using marijuana to escape the pain of the first abortion.... I did the same thing again...and was so numb I couldn't believe it happened again...I was truly being careful! I downright hated myself then..."
Elsa15
June 2002, Elsa’s Story, My two abortions
FWHC website Many Voices, Many Choices
Tonya: " I'll be 22 in May 2002 and I've had 2 abortions. I say this with tears, not with triumph. Listen to my story: Leading up to July 6, 200, I remember that night very clearly. I stopped at McDonald's and got two cheeseburgers. I never eat McDonalds! This was the last sign. I bought a pregnancy test. I quickly drove home as I shoved the rest of the food in my mouth. As soon as I got home, I ripped out the test from the package. I took the test and sat it down for 5 minutes. I didn't look at it for fear of what was to come. I glanced down and there it was. I was going to be a mama didn't cry. I didn't sleep. I already began picking out names. And at work the next day, all I did was look at baby books. I wanted to have a baby. Although, being 21 and a junior in college, no health insurance, and still living at home, my choices were limited.
The abortion: I won't say that my boyfriend if you want to call him that, forced me, but he certainly did persuade me into it. He kept saying, "We're too young". This would also put a halt to his dreams of starting his own business before he was 30.
I made plans, I drove to Indianapolis (2 hours away), and I signed the papers "no" that said: Did anyone force you to come here today? Thus, I blame myself for the pain I endure.
In the exam room, the sound of the vacuum drowned out my loud words to God, "I'm sorry God, please forgive me."
It was the first time I every prayed out loud. And the doctors heard me say something and said, "Are you okay?" July 6 was the worst day of my life. Two weeks later I went to Planned Parenthood near my house for an 'after abortion' exam. The exam room looked like the one at the abortion clinic. Although, this one I've been in before for many check ups and exams. I had to lay on my back and spread my legs on the same silver foot petals. The nurse came in and began the exam. And you know when doctors begin to talk to you and ask you questions to comfort you? Well she started to talk while doing the exam and all I could do was cry. I cried loud and couldn't control myself. The similar atmosphere struck my memories of that dreadful day…
Personally, I am Pro-Choice, but still wouldn't have another abortion. And I can say this with respect because I've been through it twice."
Tonya24
March 2002, Tonya’s Story
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Becca: " I got pregnant in January of this year. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited. I believed that I should keep the baby although I knew the timing wasn't perfect. However, my family wasn't thrilled about the idea of my being pregnant so I decided to abort.
My actual abortion experience is mostly a blank. I went to the clinic and looked around at all the other women and tried not to think about it. I went though the urine test, blood test, and ultrasound without a hitch. Once in the operating room I undressed and got on the table. The doctor made a brief appearance and I cried a little because reality was hitting me but the nurse with the drugs soon arrived and I was soon asleep.
I woke up prior to the procedure to the doctor trying to find my cervix (which is apparently a typically placed). The trauma of waking up was startling because I was afraid that I had actually woken up in the middle of the procedure. However, they put me back to sleep and the next thing I remember is sitting in a chair by the door and being told that my boyfriend was outside waiting for me. I wish I did have some memory, some tangible memory of the event.... it seems wrong to have had the abortion but not to have been aware of having had the abortion.
Regrets: I honestly thought, for the first day, that I was still pregnant. I wish now that I was. For me abortion has caused me much despair. It has been a month and I am more devastated now than ever. I feel guilt, and anger, and apathy towards almost all aspects of my life. I am lucky to have a boyfriend who will hear me out and be my sounding board. I have no one else to talk to. He lets me say that I am angry at him for not having to have the abortion, for only having to sit in the waiting room while I had this baby ripped from my body, that I am scared that our relationship might not last because we made this decision together.
Last week I went for my follow-up appointment. I had sent in a comment card stating that I wish a note had been provided to me regarding the delay in my abortion (I was in the operation room for 2 hours due to the stubborn cervix) and the outcome. I also stated that in lieu of a note it would have been courteous to inform my boyfriend what was going on since he was the last one in the waiting room and so much time had gone by.
They were rude: The nurse was curt with me and pretty rude about my negative comments. The same nurse then pulled out an ultrasound to show me my atypical cervix. That ultrasound showed my 9-week fetus, complete with arms and legs, prior to the abortion. I am now unable to go more than three or four hours without having the image of that unknowing baby nestled within my uterus. That image will haunt me for a while.
Emotional Pain: I was nervous about the abortion. I assumed I would be a little sad and that there would be pain. But the physical pain was a non-issue. The pain that I feel now is emotional and seems to have no end. I am doubting so much about my life now. I doubt my relationship, I doubt my family who merely expressed displeasure over my being an UN-wed mother (it would destroy them if they knew what I had done), I doubt my career, and I doubt myself. My world has turned upside down.
I wish more than anything that we had chosen to keep our child. Either way it wouldn't have been easy, but I think having that child was a decision I could have slept with a little easier at night. If I were to meet someone who was considering abortion I would tell her to really think about the decision. I would tell them that if they have doubts....even at the very last minute....to change their mind.
I can't imagine someone having this done and not feeling despair at some point. It is not as easy as they make it sound. It is hard.... maybe even harder than having a child.
I was pro-choice my entire adult life. Technically, I still am. But I am angry that this decision was so easy for me to make. I am angry that my abortion clinic gave me a comment card similar to one you get at the Marriott and then was rude to me because I didn't have glowing things to say about my experience. I am angry with myself for having been so weak."
Becca27
March 2003 Becca’s Story
FWHC website Many Voices, Many Choices
Enid: " I had an easy time getting the abortion (at 20 weeks), but now the feelings seem stronger than ever. I doubt my rightfulness of making that decision. Everyday I ask myself, where would I be if I would have had that kid? would I be worse of as I thought I would have? would I be on welfare (probably not, my fiancé has "enough" money)? In reality, was I better off without my wonderful unborn child??
I think NOT!! I loved that baby indescribably! I could feel its love and need for me like nothing I have ever felt!
I still pray for that child in heaven, and cant wait to see him/her!!!! God, did I do the wrong thing!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!????
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Shawana: "I had an abortion on October 10, 2001. I have come to the point where I hate myself. A lot of our friends either had babies or were pregnant. I guess, subconsciously I made myself pregnant. My boyfriend reacted the way any 18-year-old man would act. Selfishly he told me he didn't want the responsibility and I was ready to end it. We had only been together for a year and some months but we were extremely close best friends, soulmates. We had a lot of plans but none of them included children at that time. We are still together and now he feels as if he wasn't the man I needed him to be which is true but we are working out the irony of it all is now he wants the baby. I feel like a murderer and I let him and my mother nurse me into getting that abortion and now I hate myself and if God never gives me another child I damn well deserve it. I'm 17."
Shawana
January 2002, Shawana’s Story, my unborn child
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Tracy: " I began to hyperventilate and to panic as the abortion proceeded. The doctor's assistant and my boyfriend could not calm me, because the violence being done to my body was so very frightening.
I did make it through the procedure, and my physical recovery was predictable. But I have had a plague of other problems since then, including depression, panic attacks, and a hostility toward myself that seems to know no boundaries. ..But every day is a struggle, like it never used to be. There is a void in my life which none of these things will fill."
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Angela: " Now I have moved on in my life, but I still have so much sadness from this. I think I always will, especially until I am ready to have children. And when I see babies and small children, it's all I can do not to burst out in tears."
FWHC website, Many Voices, Many Choices
Dr. Hazel Weiser: " I was tired. I wished I never had to have done it…", Weiser is still pro-choice and married to a Planned Parenthood executive.
The Associated Press
Some with gratitude, some with regret, women recall their long-ago abortions
1-18-2003
Pro-Choice Writer responds to the issue of the "I Had an abortion T-shirt: " While I am staunchly feminist and pro-choice, I was a bit concerned after reading Laura Barcella's article. It focuses decidedly on the women whose stories are very pro-abortion. As a woman who could've worn that shirt as a pro-choice statement but only with sadness, the thrust of the article seemed to deny that having an abortion can be very hard on a woman, even if it is simply the best thing for her to do. Can't someone be pro-choice yet still find the decision to have the procedure an agonizing one?"
Salon Magazine
9/22/2004
Charlotte Taft (Abortion Clinic Owner stated, "I was shocked
|
